Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Many Meanings of Suck

I haven't been feeling very victorious lately.  Vivi has settled back into being hell on two legs.  I'm tired and stressed out which is really getting on my husband's nerves.  (At least that is what he reports anyway.)  And, to top it off, my pants are tight.  Today I just gave in to the misery of it all and put on yoga pants.  The same yoga pants I wore all throughout my pregnancy with the Turtles.

SHOOT. ME. NOW.

I think I know what my problem is though. I weaned Jude and Ellie.  

You see, before I took off to NC, I had managed to get the Turtles down to one nursing session a day.  It was at 5 a.m. and it was so bloody uncomfortable, I was eager to be done with the whole breastfeeding thing as soon as possible.  I wasn't crazy about the idea of forcing it by leaving town but because I wasn't really on top of getting it done beforehand, that's what had to be done. I left the state with my breast pump in my bag and hoped for the best.

Well, as it turns out, I never needed the breast pump because I didn't have any milk left.  (Huh, guess that's why nursing was so uncomfortable.) Jude and Ellie woke up while I was away but all they wanted to do was snuggle.  (Huh, guess they didn't need those feedings anyway.)  I was pretty clueless but it all managed to work out.  The babies hardly seemed to miss it and I was saved the mastitis nightmare I endured when I "weaned" Vivi.  A disaster I was glad not to have repeated.  

This forced end to breastfeeding has left me all discombobulated though.  I've put on five pounds and I feel raw and vulnerable.  On the one hand, I am so glad to be done.  On the other hand, I am sad it's over.  My babies aren't really babies and since I won't be having any more, I feel like it all went way too fast.  Then, of course, I remind myself that I would NEVER REPEAT the first year of their lives.  Then I feel bad that I feel that way.

Like I said, shoot me now.  (But before you do, could you bring me some chocolate cake and a margarita?)

3 comments:

  1. I love your blog. I have 3 kids roughly the same age as yours (my oldest is 1 year younger, twins are 6 months younger) and nearly every entry you have written rings true with me. Yes, the first year with twins was awful--definitely worse when a toddler is also involved; my oldest has also become an obnoxious brat (whom I still love very much, of course); the lack of sleep is pure torture; my weight is a huge downer for me right now.

    The worst part for me, though, is what you have expressed so much better than I can...that I feel like I "missed" the first year of the twins' lives because I was in survival mode. I am sad about that every day. I can clearly remember bringing our oldest home from the hospital, but I draw a total blank when it comes to remembering that moment with the twins. Your last paragraph of this post brought tears to my eyes.

    I have no answers for you but I'm always rooting for you from my little corner of the world. Thanks for sharing your joys and struggles with us.

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  2. Thanks, Heather. You said such nice things about my little blog! It's nice to know that I am not the only one suffering. Of course, I wouldn't want anyone else suffering but... you know what I mean! I know that other MoMs' blogs have gotten me through many a bad day. I just wish all those moms lived close by so I could have play dates with them.

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  3. Whoops! I meant to say "the second to last paragraph." Damn that lack of sleep!

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