Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Downside Every Day

I wouldn't say that I am normally a Negative Nelly but these last few weeks I seem to have firmly planted myself on the downside of things. It's been raining since the beginning of June with little respite and I've been bogged down with endless childcare and stories of sadness. I'm tired and I'm fat and I'm feeling that the world just isn't very fair.


I know I should think of my children as blessings and the vast majority of the time I do but there are moments when I want to walk away from them all. Vivi is testing every possible boundary (and peeing on it in the process) and the babies are just heaping piles of endless need. My husband works too much to support us all and I feel angry that I don't get to go to an office and deal with mentally ill people. (Oh, that grass just keeps getting greener...)


Yet, I have so many friends who are desperate to have a child. Beautiful, healthy, and successful women who can't seem to get pregnant. One of my dearest friends called me yesterday to tell me that she miscarried. She is devastated and I am so angry for her loss-- especially when I've been given more than I asked for. My own abundance is embarrassing and I need to get off my ass and start appreciating this because I know that any number of my friends would trade positions with me in a heartbeat.


Mired down by the inequity of it all, I found myself tuning out the crying (my children's this time, not my own) by reading about this book called Every Morning. Two friends on opposite coasts took a picture every morning for a year and shared them as a way of documenting their lives. I think this is the sort of thing I need to do to get my inner Buddhist back. So, fair readers, that's my plan. I'm going to take a picture of something every (well, as close to every) morning as a way to help me appreciate the good things in my life.
Here's today's photo:



This is our dining room. About a week before we got married, my husband and I (with the help of my very generous friend) painted it red. I was working on one wall when I turned around and saw that my husband had painted "I love Sam" on the opposite wall. We never envisioned this room as anything but a dining room but today it is filled with Vivi's toys. We're okay with that. We're not formal dining room people anyway.

5 comments:

  1. does it help to be told how normal it is to be overwhelmed or negative or to be having a hard time with the rain and the inside-action ? does it help to know that all the other stayathome moms in all the other pockets are feeling the same? You are okay and allright and these days will pass. vi will settle out. have faith . and send this message back to me, probably fairly soon!! K

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  2. Sending lots of love. Having a life filled with blessings does not mean that the day to day is easy. I'm sorry things are tough right now, and I hope that the rain at least lets up soon!

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  3. I am with you and know exactly how you feel. My oldest just turned 5 and my twins are almost one year, but I remember last summer and fall like it was yesterday. So tired, so spent. Anger, sadness and guilt competing with the joy and awareness of blessings. It will get better.

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  4. I do remember this time with twins as being full of the emotions you describe. I was so tired! And so happy! And so tired! But happy! But really really tired! And really really happy! (It just went on and on. ) For me, the sense of enormous gratitude was especially intense, given that I was 41 and the twins were such an obvious "just made it!" gift! Eventually, though, it evened out. I'm still outlandishly grateful and happy, but I'm much less tired, and therefore much less cranky. You will be too, once it stops raining and you can get out. Love your red walls, too.

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  5. Thanks for the words of support. I'm very much looking forward to the evening out.

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