Mama Rage

I don't seem to be lacking in anger these days. This home improvement project has me stressed beyond belief and I find myself barely able to keep my mama rage in check. I am exhausted to the core from eight months of little sleep and I have little patience for the usual shenanigans that come with having a three-year old in the house.

This morning, Vivi intentionally woke up one of her sisters. Just one. For those of you without twins, one baby awake in the morning while the other sleeps is pretty much a guarantee that there will not be one moment that day when they both will be sleeping. Not one. The rage that erupted from within me after Vivi's transgression was disgusting. A full-on volcano of anger and issues spewing forth with little warning to anyone who happened to be around. I am ashamed of myself. Three-year olds are expected to do annoying stuff like this so why the hell am I the one acting like a child?

To top off my nasty mood, my husband called me a control freak. My husband, who never says a mean word about anyone, actually called me that and so I swore and threw a People magazine at him. It would almost be funny if I didn't feel like I am desperately clinging to my sanity.

If there is nothing that exists in my life that is calm and peaceful, how can I expect my mind and mood to be too? Or is that just a requirement for being a sane grown-up?

Comments

  1. I confess that I laughed at the thought of you throwing a People at your husband. And swearing.

    But on a more serious note, I totally understand the rage. I laid into Maddie this morning for spilling her smoothie on my skirt. Totally an accident, but I had to change clothes and it annoyed me and I let her have it. Then I felt awful. It's like the cycle of the abuser for me: yell, fell bad, apologize, say I won't do it again, do it again anyway.

    You make a good point about chaos in life creating chaos in the mind. How to keep a calm mind in the chaos? I with I had the answer. For now, lots of empathy.

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  2. What? No Mother Jones? Love your work, Sammy. You're an excellent mum. When I grow up, I wanna be like you. Control freak and all :) (Hey, remember that supervisor I had at PHR who told me she was very A-type personality during my first week on the job?) No shame in knowing what you want, babe.

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