Seeing or Doing
Yesterday, I saw my twins for the first time in a long time. I don't mean seeing in the sense that they were off traveling and now they're home or the daily recognition that the blue-eyed baby with more hair is Jude. I mean really seeing-- taking the moment in and truly understanding who these beings are and what our collective life is now.
In the whirlwind of the past eight weeks, I have been going, going, going without much of an awareness of how, why, and for whom I am doing things. At our house, there is almost always someone crying and it rarely registers in my head who. All I do is run through a checklist of possible causes and remedies. Diaper clean? Check! Full belly? Check! Working toy? Check! Vivi occupied? Check! Gas? Ahh, that's it. Then I mindlessly proceed to try 25 different ways to relieve it. I am barely conscious.
I'd like to think it is sleep-deprivation that is causing me to subconsciously check-out on my life but it's more than that. There's the sheer volume of work that makes it next to impossible to sit back and enjoy the moment. There's also the mama guilt that was born the moment these Turtles entered the world. It's a distressing reality that I am outnumbered by babies and can't give either one my full attention so I've been giving nothing and everything all at once.
So, in what must have been a moment of divine something or another, I actually sat in recognition of what my life truly is and who my twin daughters really are. I saw that they are beautiful, helpless, open beings and in a rush of overwhelming emotion, I felt incredibly privileged and lucky to be their mother.
Then Eliya puked and I was back to doing...